Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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