At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
