smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She even gives head with a lisp.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
