Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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