wrigley field is MILF paradise
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
