I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
