I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize