do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
