i dedicated my morning wood to you.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
