god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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