You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
