I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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