Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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