I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
