my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
