Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
