Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
