so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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