my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
