it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
