I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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