Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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