in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Who died my cat blue again?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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