I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
