Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
