I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I supernannyed him into submission
You are a genius and a whore.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
