Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
