I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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