I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize