Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize