just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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