The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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