So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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