woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
