She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
