I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
