just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
