mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
