just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The struggles of a small town man whore
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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