normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize