my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Oh god it's open bar.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
