When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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