Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
