I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Quick, to the slutcave!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
