I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
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