Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
