Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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