Michael Bay diarrhea
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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