How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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