You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
