I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
