I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i love accidental penises.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
