did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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