I'm gonna have a badass scar
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
