I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
