Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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