I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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