i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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