Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
